Okay..so here goes.. im a pretty private guy, so i dont tend to open much to people, even my closest friends. I have too much going on inside my head and i need it to come out, i figure why not blog. So i guess i should just start then.
My parents divorced when i was in the 6th grade in 2001, or rather that was when they told me they were divorced. By that time it had already been 2 years since they actually did it. So i guess they got divorced when i was at the end of 4th grade.
After my last midterm 6th grade, my mom took me to show me the land she just bought. That was where she told me what i already long suspected. She also told me that the man that was in the car with us about 3 days before is her husband and has been so in the last month. He was a director and she is an actress, they met on set.
I cried after she told me this, still not sure why, it isnt like it was a surprise. Some time back my dad moved out of their room to another room in the house that was farther away. Then we moved out of the house and moved around from apartment to apartment. they always took the same building but differnt rooms and gave us stupid excuses as to why we werent living together, which i always accepted without question. I guess it was cuz i thought that excuse is better than the alternative.
I also remember the night of the big fight that set this in motion. It was a Wednesday night. My bro and I were in our rooms. My parents were in the living room yelling at each other. I was talking to my bro trying to get him to focus on our convo instead of whats happening outside. A little bit later i heard two doors slam shut. We waited a bit and then went out. Both my parents went in opposite rooms and stayed there for the night. Thing is, everything in the living room was still on; the tv and the lights and what not. My bro and I shut everything off and went back to our room to try and sleep.
Next day, we were goin to my grandma's as usual. In the car on the way, my mom called my dad and told him she didnt want to see his face there. Real subtle Mom. I think she thought i didnt possess the mental ability to take a really good guess that she was talking to my dad..they underestimate me sometimes. When we got there my grandma asked her where was my dad, cuz she cooked fish, his favorite. She replied in a cold manner saying "He's busy." Again, real subtle.
There's one more, that day i won't forget. My mother came up to me one afternoon in my room and asked me this, "If you had to choose, would you live with me or with your father?" i was a fuckin kid. What the hell?! I just looked at her for a while. "Your brother chose me, it's okay if you choose your father." Again, what the hell. My bro was in 3rd grade a the time, he duznt know why she asked such a question and to ask her why probably never occured to him. But i knew, Goddamn it. I wish i was just a stupid little kid that didnt know shit. It would've kept me from feeling what i felt when she asked me that. I dont really know how to describe it. I kept staring at her for a bit, then i cried. Cuz i didnt want to choose. I think she thought that meant that i would choose my dad or sumthin and left the room. I've never told this to anyone, ever. It kinda feels good to type it down and see it somewhere other than my head.
I just want to clear something up. My parents tried hard to keep this not messy and they succeeded for the most part. They still talk to each other for our sake and are civil. I'm almost 20 years of age now and i've kept this inside me since i was a kid. Thats pretty much the reason i decided to start blogging. Now i can let some stuff out. Thats it for today. Gona go sleep.
